Back from Vacation - Tour Wrap Up

I'm back, bitches. And now I'll give you my final Tour de France comments for 2009, cause I know you don't want me to go on boring you with this crap.

Here goes:

1) Big congratulations to Yauheni Hutarovich, Champion of Belarus, for winning this year's Lanterne Rouge. Most uninformed folks look at the Lanterne Rouge as some sort of pathetic, no talent ass hat. He finished last. He must suck.

HOWEVER.

He does not suck. He is a great rider. I wonder how many water bottles Hutarovich carried. I wonder how much time he spent grinding his way back from the team car to the peloton. The Lanterne Rouge is a hero, my kind of hero.

2) Mark Cavendish is young. He makes the mistakes a young guy would make. It's one thing to mouth off with a microphone in your face. That can be entertaining, especially if you can back it up, and by and large the Manx Missile has the skills to pay those bills.

HOWEVER.

You don't talk down a giant Norwegian before you've got the Green Jersey tied up. Otherwise, he might just prove he's a better bike rider than you are. Write that down, Mark. You'll probably need it next year.

3) As a fellow 37-year-old, I'm proud of Lance Armstrong finishing third. Nice job. Good ride. That's all.

4) Alberto Contador is not a doping suspect just because he won the Tour. That kind of mentality is what will end up destroying the sport more quickly than the dope itself. There are tests. If they come back negative, riders are innocent. It's that simple.

AND.

Greg LeMond is doing a good thing in bringing to the fore new ways of detecting drug cheats and advocating standardization and transparency. But, jeeze louise, Greg, could you try to act like less of a sanctimonious prick while you do it? Publishing a piece in LeMonde before the end of the Tour, calling the sport's golden boy out? Not classy. Not helpful. Not effective. You really want those top riders to cooperate with you, which is a taller ask when you're constantly insinuating that they're cheating.

5) Some have said that Pellizotti is an unworthy Polka Dot Jersey because he wasn't the best climber in the race, and that is perhaps true.

HOWEVER.

The King of the Mountains competition this year wasn't designed to identify the best pure climber. Like the Green Jersey competition, the KOM is a contest within the contest. It's set up in advance, and everyone knows the rules. Pellizotti won according to those rules. And he has a ridiculous golden perm. That makes him worthy in my book.

6) I love the Tour, but thank gosh o' golly that thing is over, cause it was eating my life.

And now we move on.