Thursday, June 18, 2009

So You Think You Can Bike?

My wife is watching So You Think You Can Dance? I don't want to say much more about that. Truthfully, I think it's a pretty good show, if you like shows where people work their asses off and then get ripped to shreds by a panel of obnoxious judges. It's like the slightly fruity equivalent of being jumped into a gang.

And anyway it got me to thinking of show called So You Think You Can Bike?

People would ride by me, and then I'd give them a critique. I'd say things like:

"When you bought the folding bike, did you imagine it would get you laid more? It's not working, is it? No. I didn't think so. And yeah, the wheels are small. I can see that."

"Can you just fucking lube your chain? Don't you hear that awful sound? Did you think crickets were following you where ever you go? Seriously, do you hate your bike? Why do you hate your bike? Don't argue with me. You DO hate your bike! No one who loves their bike would ride around without lubing their fucking chain! You don't even deserve that bike! Give it to me! Now go away!"

"Snow gear? It's 70. Do you know what you smell like? Seriously?"

"That's a nice bike. I see it has just one gear. It's fixed, isn't it? They're neat, aren't they? That bike looks Italian, too. It's a Colnago carbon frame? Wow. Wizard! Do you commute on that? How long is your commute? A mile? Whoa! A three thousand dollar fixie was a good choice. Please kill yourself."

No. No. No. I'm not that big a dick. I'm no hater. I'm just glad people are riding.

I can't wait....CAN NOT see my first folding fixie, though.

And at the end of my show I'd blow up a dirigible with a twelve gauge. THAT would make some good TV.

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